Writer Rage: Giant Creepy Human Centipede of Weirdness — Part 2

Welcome back to another exciting installment of Writer Rage!

When we left off, I had been raging about After, a RPF AU fanfic of 50 Shades of Grey, starring Harry Styles of One Direction (or is it 1Direction? I honestly have no idea, nor do I really care). To be totally honest, I don’t even know what point in the story my Rage Part One ended at.

So let’s just jump right in.

Lest we forget, the story began with this annoying author’s note:

This book contains detailed sexual scenes and tons of explicit language. If that isn’t your thing, you shouldn’t continue on, but if it is then you’ll enjoy. 🙂

Also, yes there are loads and loads of typos, be easy on me, this was an amazing and fun time for me and no one was reading it, I am fully aware of all the mistakes 🙂 Thank you for reading 🙂

Found the typos, still waiting on the detailed sexual scenes and explicit language, Ms. Todd. Occasionally saying “fuck” doesn’t count in my book.

My glob, I really need to be able to use the snark punctuation mark because then you’ll completely understand the expression I’m wearing right this second. I find it amusing, and you might also find it amusing. We all know I’m not actually taking this story seriously, right? Well, I am to a point because of the messages in it that piss me off, but I’m not because she didn’t even bother to spell check the damn thing.

Okay, here goes.

After051Her internship is at a publishing company (50 Shades reference) in which she gets her own office, reads 1-2 manuscripts a week and decides if they’re worth sending on to an editor or not, and she’s paid $500/month. I call bullshit. Do your research, Ms. Todd; this is totally unbelievable.

After052After053I began to feel like something was up when he wasn’t consistent while drunk. But then I realized the writing wasn’t good enough for that.

After054

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love the Lawyer and why he’s still one of my besties.

But yeah, the writing for this bit is weird. I imagine she meant when she was able to focus after the orgasm subsided, but that’s not how it reads. At all.

After055

Nikki is a uniquely talented writer friend of mine that I’ve known for ages. I only half wish she would read this so we could discuss it. Half because I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Tessa’s “indecent” thought was that she wanted to put the condom on Harry. Most women that I’ve spoken to about sex say they enjoy doing that. Also, being safe isn’t indecent.

After056

Okay, mild misogyny aside, the Lawyer is awesome. And I actually think his comment was more a remark about my cold indifference and tendency to write torture and murderous stories.

Tess was embarrassed about the others asking if she was a virgin during a drunk game of Truth or Dare, and they made fun of her for it. Virgin shaming is just as bad as slut shaming. Because someone is a virgin by choice is no reason to call them names. One of my best friends is a virgin by choice and she and I can talk about sex like anyone (she gets a little flustered sometimes and I have to remember to tone it back a little). There’s nothing wrong with waiting just like there’s nothing wrong with not waiting. It’s all just a personal choice. A highly personal choice and I wish society could get it through their heads that whatever decision is personal and none of their business. But I suppose that’s asking too much.

After057_Idris FaceIdris face

That wasn’t even the gif I was looking for. I couldn’t find it until now, but this was the gif I wanted to use:

tumblr_m6rynvifiA1rotgq6o1_500

After058Seriously, I looked for over an hour for that gif and couldn’t find it. Frustrating because tonight I found it in 20 minutes. It was on my Tumblr right where I remember seeing it. I just wasn’t searching the right tags for it yesterday. But yes, I got distracted because Doctor Who, while troublesome these days (Moffatt), is infinitely better than this piece of drivel.

After059

This was a theme I had to deal with a lot growing up. I don’t care if getting married is super important to you, that’s fine. Go get married. Just don’t look down on those who don’t want to get married. I used to and now I genuinely don’t care if I do or not. But every time I mention that marriage isn’t on my radar and I just want a cuddle buddy partner in crime, someone says, “Oh, you’ll change your mind” or something to that effect. I have one exception to my no-marriage rule and I’m not dating that particular Life Ruiner so I’ve got no plan to knit myself to someone for the rest of my life.

There are just some people whose entire life goal is to just get married and have babies, and that’s fine for them. But there are people like that who push that same life goal on other people and that’s what’s unacceptable. That’s one of the main problems I have with Disney’s Frozen. Anna wants to marry the first dude she sees and that’s not smart, obviously, since it comes around to bite her in the petticoat.

Can we get a bit of mainstream entertainment that enforces the thought that it’s all right to not get married? Is that okay with people?

After060After061After062_Misha Just SayingMisha just sayingAfter063If anyone can tell me what’s going on in the mural you get a cookie. Because clearly I don’t get it.

After064I don’t have a huge problem with same side of the table couples. I mostly have a problem with the fact that they tend to make out in the middle of restaurants and I’m really not a huge fan of PDA.

After065After066I really need to write an article about abusive relationships in mainstream media and how they’re not okay to glorify.

After067After068Not everyone cares about getting into your boyfriend’s pants as much as you do, Tess. Think about it. You’re incredibly self-absorbed and stupidly lucky Kimberly warned you at all. Get over yourself.

After069_allergic to bullshitallergic to bullshit

 

After070Everyone likes a sexy plumber scene and now I imagine sexy plumber scenes including Mario and Luigi because I’m a weird nerd like that. Also, I’ve never actually heard anyone say, “Fair point well made.” No one. Ever. I hear “point taken” a fair bit, though. It’s just the 50 Shades references were really taking their toll on my sanity at this point.

After071Tessa left the safety of Harry’s room to go find him in the middle of the massive kegger his frat was throwing. On their way to his room, they bumped into a dude, Jace, who was giving off massive rapey vibes and was the reason Harry requested she remain in the room. But she didn’t and exposed her whereabouts to creepy, rapey Jace, after she was almost raped at a previous kegger. Too stupid to live.

After072She’s giving him a blow job. Why is it considered “brave” when the heroine decides to go down on the hero? I don’t understand that. I mean, it could be considered brave if he had asked her to do some weird kinky shit she wasn’t familiar with and she said, sure, she’d try it. But a blow job? I know I have hang ups regarding oral sex, but Tessa doesn’t have those particular problems. But, still, she’s brave. Why does this trend exist? It needs to go away.

Actually, what I think is brave is that she’s engaging in all these sexytimes without discussing Harry’s sexual health first. She has no idea what sorts of things he might be carrying, but there’s very little precautions being taken here. No dental dams for going down on her, no latex gloves for the fingering at the creek, no condom for the aforementioned blow jobs. It’s like she has no idea how to take care of her own sexual health. That’s brave. And extremely stupid.

After073Climax denial can be a lot of fun between consenting partners. But he didn’t ask her if it was all right, he just started doing it. She’s totally inexperienced and very trusting. This sort of thing is sickening to me. Also, it’s a 50 Shades reference, but that takes a back seat to the abuse.

These later rants were posted during the middle of the day so they got a lot more attention than the earlier ones. But I do love confusing my friends.

After074“Oh my” was a 50 Shades cliche that still bugs me whenever I hear it. It was always used in context of sexytimes and it was successful only in the sense that it completely pulled me out of the scene and reminded me that I was reading bad writing. “Oh my” isn’t sexy. It’s something you think to say when something mildly troubling is happening.

After075After076After077I worked for Target for three years. If the rules I had to follow were still in place, the cashier is only allowed to touch the card if the card reader wasn’t reading the card or if the cashier is looking up a transaction for a return without a receipt. So, suspension of disbelief shattered here. Also, the word I was looking for when I posted that was “standardized” rather than consistent. Consistent works, too, but it wasn’t what I wanted.

After078After079I’m not sure why sex at the office is considered hot. I’m guessing it’s because it’s semi-public and there’s a risk of being caught or whatever. I always thought it was a dumb reason to get fired over. And if I had the internship Tessa here has, I wouldn’t do anything to risk losing it. Anything.

After080This really made me angry. Why is it a woman’s value is assigned to her hymen? I mean, really. Some women don’t even have one. Some can regrow/heal theirs. It shouldn’t make any difference as to who she is as a person. Her value should be assigned to her personality and contributions to the world.

After081After082_Misha tummytumblr_m08b29gUSB1qbdxog

I’d apologize for all the Misha in this post, but I’m really not that sorry. This is also what I imagined when the trousers hung off Christian Grey’s hips “in that way” in 50 Shades. It’s the only thing that made any sense to me. And I can see the appeal, really. Still. Not a very good descriptor.

After083Even I’m a victim of typos.

After084

1. My aunt has a long hyphenated surname. 2. The pronoun agreement in this thing is atrocious. There are moments when I can’t actually tell who’s speaking or doing what because she’ll say something like “So-and-so did this. ‘Blahblad,’ he said,” but it’ll be a different he. It’ll be like Whosemehdoser speaking right after So-and-so had action. It’s really confusing.

After085After086Poor Scottie, he really did try.

There is a bit of a problem with consent in this thing. It’s inconsistent. In the beginning, when Harry wants to finger Tessa by the creek, he’s super insistent on getting her consent. “I need to hear you say it.” That sort of thing. And I was really pleased because I thought the whole thing would be good examples of consent. I was wrong.

Since then, there’s been underage drinking and dubious consent everywhere. Mostly they’re sober when they engage in sexytimes, but there’s a lot of drunkeness happening right before and it makes me uncomfortable. If you’re drunk, you’re decision impaired and are unlikely to be able to give proper consent. And yet, Harry initiates sexytimes while Tessa is tipsy from vodka, from beer, from champagne. I had such high hopes for the consent issue and they were smashed.

After087All of the arguments in this thing are pretty pointless and about the exact same thing. Harry’s an inconsistent asshole; I get it, move along. But this argument sends Harry out of their newly-acquired shared apartment and Tessa eventually leaves to go find Steph to chat and maybe figure Harry out a bit.

Which then leaves us with a cliffhanger ending for this thing. I hate books ending on cliffhangers, just like I hate it when music ends on leading tones. There’s no resolution; there’s no comfort in that sort of ending. You can’t read the book as a stand alone. And what if the next one doesn’t get published? Your readers don’t know what’s happening to your characters and that’s somewhat unfair to them. This is all Writing According to Alice here, but still. I have several series (what is the plural of series anyway?) that I’m working on and each book in each of them works as a stand alone just in case. The story is concluded and there’s satisfying endings (ish; I’m told I need to stop killing my darlings in the end), but there’s enough intrigue to make my readers want more. There’s enough there to justify having another book and to entice my readers to seek out the next book. Cliffhanger endings are cheating in my opinion.

Anyway. Because there was a stupid cliffhanger and I had access to the next one, of course I’m going to read it and of course I’m going to tear into it.

But not for a few days. Because I need to finish the recap of The Naked Time now that the computer’s working with me again and it’s loooong overdue. So over the next few days, I’ll dive into Star Trek, hopefully getting the recap up by Wednesday, but I can’t promise it because of work and other stuff I gotta get done this week.

Thanks for letting me rage. Toodle-pip!

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About alicegracey

Writer, Actor, Advice Nerd. At least, that's what it says on my business card these days. Mostly, I just write in order to try to get my brain to shut up. I like to share what I write, but be warned, I don't do happy.
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